University: The small print

On the day of my graduation all I could think was,
   'I've done it. I've actually done it.'
Receiving my degree was a huge achievement. The world was now my oyster. I was prepared for me and my 2:1 to do great things.
   The tutors I spent the last three years of my life listening to waved me goodbye and said, 'Keep in touch.' What they didn't, but should have said was,
   'We've released you into a recession, all the jobs are few and far between, you are more likely to end up on a call centre or behind a bar than actually doing what you've spent three years studying.'
   So there I was, full of promise and hope and excited about my new prospects. I was convinced that I would get a great job that was related to my degree by the end of 2009. The reality was far different.
   I sent hundreds of copies of my CV out in to the world, applied for endless jobs, bombarded companies with phone calls and unexpected visits, hoping they would take one look at me and say, 'We'll create a job especially for you.' But they didn't.
   I thought I was employable; I had a degree, lots of skills, work experience at numerous companies, including the BBC. Yet still no one wanted me. Out of 98 job applications, I received only one interview.
   I was very close to giving up hope when an unexpected email pinged into my inbox. It was from an old employer of mine. They had a maternity cover position open and asked whether I wanted it. I didn't go through a formal interview process, I didn't even have to send in an updated version of my CV. The job was mine, if I wanted it.

The penny finally dropped. Why would companies look to employ desperate outsiders when there are so many relatives, friends and old employees who are unemployed. Now that I know that, I see it everywhere. It's not what you know, it's who you know. In the company where I currently work, there is a large percentage of staff who have a relative or friend who also works there. Some jobs are only passed through the family and any hopes of a career progression are slim.
I wish I knew then what I know now. Perhaps if I had, I would have spent less time in the library and more time networking.

So here I am today, working a 9-5 job that I'm not even qualified for, not even enjoying. All my hopes and aspirations from university have wilted away one by one. I am left in a predicament. Do I carry on this journey that has been placed upon me, or do I break away and try again for forgotten dreams?

Could it be true?

Could it be true? Am I really nearly finished? I think so. I have spent the last four days getting square eyes just so I can finish this last film, Biodiveristy. The research is done, the reflective diary is getting there and film 3 is looking pretty good. I've spent four days solid on this film, playing around with the sequence, text and music, and I think I have come up with something that I am pleased with. No, I am very happy with what I have come up with. It's been a very stressful couple of days and I am sacrificing my personal life to complete this thing. Biodiversity has certainly been both the easiest and hardest film to complete. Easiest because I've enjoyed doing it, this is the one film that I looked forward to editing because of the content of the film (nature) and hardest because of the lack of time and help I have had to do the film. It's tricky to know if you;re doing the right thing or not when you don't get a second opinion. So I will do what I can and at a standard that I am happy with, and then on Wednesday I will show Dani what I have and hopefully he will say it's great and I can put it on a film and hand it in.
The plan is to complete the film tonight and focus on the diary and research tomorrow, print it all off (that section done) and go back to the finishing touches on the film on Wednesday morning. Wish me luck!

Getting it together

Since handing in my disertation, things have literally gone from bad to worse. And i'm okay with it. After I handed in my disertation I then had Film 3 - Biodiversity to think about. I collected the lap top and discovered that it didn't work, so Thursday morning at 5am i flapped about a bit, then did some filming around the lake until the reasonable hour of 8am came around, and then I called Dani and asked if he would be my saving grace. His reply = yes, come in and i'll fix it. Note to self (Buy Dani something to say thanks) So after my little lap top incident, I had Kat's help with filming some more shots of 'pretty things'. I then discovered the lap top didn't like the idea of logging and capturing. I thought about calling Dani and seeing if he knew what was wrong with it, but the time was 10 pm, so i went with my usual technique when things don't work...I hit it. I know what you're thinking, and yes perhaps I am a little bit crazy and careless when it comes to technology, but....guess what? The lap top started to log and capture. I'm sure these things have a conscience. With all the tech difficulties i thought to myself 'I'll go out for a ride on the horse to chill out', great idea, what i hadn't expected was an evil driver with a caravan, who clearly doesn't understand the meaning of driving slow in the countryside. It really really bugs me when city folk come to the countryside and complain about there being horses on the road. Hello, people? You're in the countryside!! If you don't like it, go back to where you came from! I remember having a road accident when i was 16 on my Thoroughbred Pateley, a man was driving at 70 mph along the little single track country road, saw me and slammed on his brakes and nearly skidded into us. Pateley ended up spinning around in the middle of the road because he was so terrified and the man was in a hedge and then had the cheek to have a go at me!! I thought, you cheeky sod, if you weren't going so fast none of that would have happened. People are always in a rush and have no patience for anybody else, and risk the lives of others just to get somewhere a little sooner. I'm sure if that man had killed me and my horse, he wouldn't have been worrying about his crappy car.
Anyway, back to work matters. So, after having difficulties with tech stuff, I started to pull together a rough cut. I'm struggling with the message and rhythm of film 3. I have lots of shots and stills of pretty things but am finding it difficult to put it into a story. Which things look nice next to each other, what works and what doesn't and how well do they convey what it is that i am trying to get across. I think this film can be edited quite quickly as i've learnt a lot through experiementing with my other two films. I am overcoming these problems by working on the text and then matching up the text with shots that compliment the words, which is creating a basic story plot. And then I am experiementing with the shots to see where they fit in best. I am finding it difficult to decide whether i should keep all the domestic animal shots together and all the plant shots together and so on, or whether i should mix them up...any thoughts?

freak out

I am 500 words away from finishing my disertation. And i can't help but look at it and think: is this what i have been working towards? Three years of studying, and all i can show for it is a crumby piece of written work that i don't even really like. To top all this depressive, negative feeling about my work i am panicing about what next... what do i do when i finish? What do i want to do? The answer: I have no idea. I don't know what i want to do, I don't really know what job i want, I don't even know if i'll get a job. And if that wasn't bad, i really do have to buy a new car. The mondeo has a rather large hole in it now and when it rains, my footwells flood, the passenger seat gets wet, all that shabang. And... guess what? It rains a lot in England!! Right now i feel like i've hit rock bottom. I'm leaving uni with only one option... move back home. ARGH!. I'm thinking that if all else fails, i could do a postgrade. Don't know where though, I don't even know if they'll accept applicants this late now. I don't even know if i could get another loan to pay for it. This is what I am facing people! I don't know anything! In an ideal world, I will have a wonderful job within the month with a company that i really want to work for, I will have a fab little flat or house and be happy and content. But, that's not what has happened.
I have been at home with my family all weekend, and since i have been back my mum has asked me the same questions every day! 'Are you making the right decisions? Do you know what you want to do? I thought you wanted to stay in Bristol and work for somewhere like Tigress? Will you be happy moving back here?' My answers: I have no idea! I also have no idea! Yes, i did want to stay in Bristol and work for Tigress, but there's one teeny weeny problem...i don't have a job in Bristol, let alone one with Tigress. No job = no house. Will I be happy moving back here? Obvious answer = probably not, but i don't really have a choice anymore. I am literally going out of my mind. I have said 'fuck' sixteen times today, wait...seventeen times! I need just a little bit of help and a lot of positivity, oh and a fairy godmother with a magic wand.

Film 1 and 2

Film 1 and 2 are completed! Done and dusted, finito! Olivia has the copies and is happy. So another job well done. The film Energy was in fact easier to edit than Recycling. I think this may have been due to the fact that I am more experienced with using FCP, but generally, this film is much simpler than the first one, shorter and with less shots. I am hoping that film 3 will be as easy to put together as film 2 was. I will be filming next week (hopefully) and that gives me four days to edit like crazy. I'm starting to feel the pressure! University work is slowly but surely sapping all the happiness from me, i actually want to bury myself in a hole, and wait for the whole thing to blow over. I can normally handle pressure quite well, but for some reason (maybe it is because this is the end of uni) I am finding everything extra challenging. There's a mixture of worry about handing work in and to a quality I am happy with, finding a job, a place to live (which I have given up on and will move back in with the old dear, just long enough until I find my feet again) and knowing what it is that I want to be doing. First things first though: I have film 3 to complete. The edit should be fairly straight forward, I haven't experienced any problems with editing as yet (apart from a slight colour correction error on the first film, which I might add, I didn't do) so I am hoping that editing film 3 should be a simple step by step edit. But then again, nothing seems to work out the way I want it to.

So much to do in such little time.

Eco Campus has been put on hold for the time being as I have 12,000 words to hand in by the 13th May. I still have 5,000 words left to write. After my other module work is handed in I can put all my energy into my films. I only need one day to sort out the first two films.
There are some changes that I would like to make, which include: Changing back the colour correction that was put on the first film. I think the correction that was out on it makes it look too bright and fake, the edges have become blurred and generally I think it looks less professional. I also need to change the title which says Ecocampus, because it is in fact two words, not one. The second film needs to have the background carried on throughout and the music needs to be made. The final film needs everything doing to it. I should be able to get the work done by the 27th, with good time management and a lot of cups of tea, all will be well. I hope.

I'm trying not to worry about what will happen after univeristy. I'm looking at possible jobs in other areas, not just Bristol. Oxford seems like a nice place with a lot of jobs going at the moment. It'll be expensive to live there, but probably not much more than Bath. I'm trying to keep options open and am reviewing what skills I have, so I can see what jobs I can apply for.

Second thoughts

With less than a month left of university, I am starting to question what it is that I want to do with my life, and what if I make the wrong decision? I am worrying myself sick about that question...What should I do? What job do I want? Where do I want to live?
And the answers: I don't know. I do know this though...I am debating my career choice and looking into what really makes me happy. And anyone who knows me, knows that what does really make me happy is being in the countryside, surrounded by dogs and horses. Well, maybe not surrounded, but you get the idea. Before I came to university I started working in my spare time as a pet sitter/dog walker/horse rider, and I loved it! I got a lot of work and even now I still have the same people contacting me wanting me to look after their pets when they are away. And i only advertised in one (very small) town three years ago! And with 380 millions pounds spent on pets (mostly dogs) every year (I don't spend every waking minute researching animals...i know this figure through the Kennel Club) I figure, some of that money could belong to me. It is no big secret that farmers and such like are very rich, because animals is where the money is at, people will always have pets, they always need to eat (on the farming side) and now more than ever, they are concerned for the future, the economy, the environment and where their food and such like is produced. So i figure, with the knowledge that I know, I could, maybe stick with that. Part time smallholder, part time animal carer or something. I don't know. But I do know what makes me happy...being with the people I love, doing the things I love and having time to enjoy them. (urgh this is getting horribly soppy) So i figure, being in the media may just be a little bit too complex, too demanding, too time consuming and controlling for a simple country gal like me, who enjoys cooking, walking dogs, making crafts (although I wouldn't admit it if you asked me), writing, travelling, attempting to sail the boat, wandering aimlessly across fields I'm not supposed to be in and chilling with friends and family. And I don't know if working in the media is going to give me enough time to enjoy all the things that make me who I am.